Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Fry Me Up A Sea Kitten, Boys

You know what really sucks about the world right now? Nope, I'm not talking about terrorism in the Middle East or the genocide in Darfur. Sorry, I'm not referring to our vanishing civil liberties or the dismal state of the global economy either. No, my friends. The real problem with the world today is the plight of the fish.


People don't seem to like fish. They're slithery and slimy, and they have eyes on either side of their pointy little heads—which is weird, to say the least. Plus, the small ones nibble at your feet when you're swimming, and the big ones—well, the big ones will bite your face off if Jaws is anything to go by.

Of course, if you look at it another way, what all this really means is that fish need to fire their PR guy—stat. Whoever was in charge of creating a positive image for fish needs to go right back to working on the Britney Spears account and leave our scaly little friends alone. You've done enough damage, buddy. We've got it from here. And we're going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it's time for a serious image makeover. And who could possibly want to put a hook through a sea kitten?

Consider yourselves educated.

The following are some delightfully informative excepts found on the new campaign website from which PETA is leading the charge to save the poor oppressed kittens of the sea.

Fun Fact #1:

A University of Edinburgh study found that sea kittens can retain information that they learned up to 11 months earlier, which makes them cuter and smarter than the president of the United States!

Gasp! But ... but ... the President of the United States is Barack friggin' Obama. These PETA folks must be racist conservatives!

Fun Fact #2:

Some sea kittens tend well-kept gardens. They encourage the growth of tasty algae and weed out the types that they don't like. It is particularly tragic when people eat these sea kittens, as their precious little gardens become wild and overgrown in their absence.

Yes, we can certainly count that among the great tragedies of the world.

Fun Facts #3 & #4:

Many male sea kittens woo potential partners by singing to them. While this is not particularly easy to do underwater coherently, female sea kittens don't generally seem to mind.


Sea kittens talk to each other through squeaks, squeals, and other low-frequency sounds that humans can only hear through special instruments. Most ichthyologists — scientists who specialize in sea kitten biology — agree that this is just about the cutest thing ever.

It must feel great to know they're making a difference on the really important issues. Are we still allowed to use terms like 'functionally retarded' to describe these people or is that a P.C. no-no?

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